So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
