I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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