Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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