Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
