Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
