I wish I could punch you in the face.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
