and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
