Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
