just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize