ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
