I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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