We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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