The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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