Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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