I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
