I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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