Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
