We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
