Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
where am i from again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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