If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
