dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
This is my gift to your gina
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
