I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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