people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize