is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
