My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
