So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We were destined to go to rehab together
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
