dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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