Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
