Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
this is an emotional support booty call
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
