It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
