onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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