If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
