He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
