I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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