1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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