I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
