there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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