grandma shit on top of the toilet
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
