Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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