You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
