I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
