Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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