Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
