I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
