im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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