she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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