She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
