in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
