I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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