No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
