I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
