My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
