i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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