im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
