I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
