I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
