Need sex. Gaining weight.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
