if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
