I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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