In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
