Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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