Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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